i'm in nycccc..and noones awake..and its cold and snow is coming in through the windows

GRADESSSS...finally!

Intro to Art Photo- B+
Film History- C+ (fuckin failed every test in that class..hell yes for that grade)
Transmedia Studio- A
Transmedia Colloquim- A
English- A

andddd...NYC TOMORROW!

YAYAYAY

merry day after christmas :)

my christmas was goooood..better than it has been the past years..i got
1.) pea coat :)
2.) FINALLLLY a silver purse
3.)earrings/bracelets
4.)random lil stuff
5.)50$ american xpress giftcard


more tomorrow night from the rest of the family..woooo

sooooo...breakbreakbreak...i've been home for 10 days..and so far i've...had surgery..got out of the hospital..stayed in my boring housefor a week while various people came over and then starting friday night i haven't slept at my house since..friday night i sleptover gwens..saturday night jessies..and last night theresas...wooooo break!..i'm not excited for christmas at all..my dad didn't even put up a tree :/

Dear Syracuse,

BYEEEEE! Seeya January 12th.

Love, me.

packing packing packing! i think im taking more back with me than what i came up here with

i didn't even remember today would've been one year until an alarm went off on my phone just now..
lmao what a JOKE!

i can't wait to be home. and then i can? i dunno. it's always i wanna be back and then i don't. i only don't get frustrated and sick of my family when i'm out away from them everyday. so hopefully i can make that happen. i'm going into surgery dec 12th! friday! come visit centercityins/south phillyins..i'll be at hahnemann this time..an adult hospital..i'm scared. i've always had my surgeries at the childrens hospital and it was just like..happier because they tried to keep your mind off stuff. and they always do fun things around holidays andddd i like know all the nurses. oh well i guess its time to grow up :/ i just hope it's not as cold and lonely as i'm imaginin and the nurses are equally as nice as in st christophers.

my dad is picking me up in his hooptie

i'm never going to get home

i have self revelations in my sleep.

i'm not the most confident person. i've never had luck in relationships, and used to hookup for that quick fix of feeling like i mattered. i refuse to let myself be that girl again. i just don't know how to move from those ways.i don't want to chase anymore and try harder than those i've been with trying to make them stay. it's time to wait for something real and something i deserve. i ALLOW myself to be stepped on. over and over. just to feel wanted. how the fuck do you build confidence? cause i sure would love to know.

i never want to hear from you again.

i. feel. like. death.

someone bring me soup?

:(

last night consisted of me + this entire bottle



which also = a really drunken mess of alicia
but also a realllllllly fun/strange night hahaha

also i really like wine now for some reason?

yesterday was alumni day..and omg i missed everyoneeeeeeeeeeeeeee so much it was so good to see people..afterwards i hungout with peoples and it was nice :)...it's thanksgiving..and i'm reading the secret..i have never been more enlightened in my life hahaha..happy thanksgiving

my heart aches.

:(

stupid lil reminders

spring semester

I just enrolled in my schedule for next semester..um most stressful thing ever? you literally sit there thinking on the spot of what to pick because by the time freshman are actually allowed to enroll almost everything we wanted is taken..but my schedule..because i'm an art student was that most classes were required..it's eh..sort of the same as this semester..same teachers..no night classes though..AND no friday classes :)..it's pending though i'm gonna go on later and maybe pick one more or switch something..but this is it as of right now

monday- 8:30-12:30 (Interconnected studios)
tuesday-12:30-1:50 (wrt 205) and (Transmedia Colloquim 2) 2-4:45
wednesday-8:30-12:30 (Art photo 2 aka Intro to color photo)
thursday-8:30-12:30( Intro to sound and image) and (Wrt 205) 12:30-1:50
friday-NOTHINGGGGG! :D

I am my priority.

i like this college. i don't know how much i want to leave anymore/ would really actually be sad now if i were too.

after reading angelas blogger..i realized..everything that was said..the promises..everything..it's just words..words dont mean anything..once you say them they disappear forever..all we had was a bunch of words

todays finally the first day i woke up and i like ...didn't care

:)

i did it to myself. i gave up everything for her. i have no true friends anymore because i pushed them all aside just for her. i gave my entire self to her. i shouldn't of because now i'm alone and upset and i brought it all onto myself. you should never have to give up your friends for someone. they should be with you and your friends. she ruined me. ruined my life. i just want everyone back. i will never EVER let someone take me over like that again. i'm over it. it will be hard because i literally revolved my life around her but i'm ready to find someone true or no one at all. i want you back theresa, and lisa, and bob, and cj, and margaret, and molly, and jessie and everyone else i dropped for you. dumb bitch. you never deserved everything i gave you. ever. i'm so sorry everybody. :( take me back friends?

well? as i lay here with tubes everywhere with nothing to do all i CAN do is think..and it gets me so sad..i was "sad" when i broke up with brian doe like a day..i'm disTRAUGHT not being with her..i thought it would get easier but its just getting harder and harder..and tomorrow is/wouldve been our 11 months and i was so excited..this is/was my first real relationship and i fell so hard in love and refuse to give it up..i don't see anybody else when i'm an old lady rockin next to me besides her..i want my leigh baby back :(

:/

it hurts and i miss her and everyone keeps telling me all this stuff like i deserve better but i know what i want and i don't care what anyone says cause no ones word overrides what my heart says so i'll wait and give her time to miss me

ugh i have so much shit due next week and i need to get on the ball i'm slackin hardcore and it's so not mei gotta turn my animation thingy in wednesday so it has to be done by like monday morning cause mondays and tuesdays have no time for anything..a 6 page english paper which i haven't even really focused on a topic or research due thursday..and photography stuff due friday..i didn't even start thinking or shooting and have to show her what i'm working on friday..hghghdfgsgd

went home this weekend..it wasnt what i expected or at all wanted..but it was what it was..and wont dwell on it..the surgery was alright..my ass still hurts..and i sorta miss my parents but then again not

going back to philllaayyy this weekend thursday 7pm- monday 7 am yayayayayay

i haven't bought myself anything nice or that i really wanted in awhile so ...meet my new bff :)




i'm becoming addicted to shopping on ebay..i've never used it before this year and now i can't stop!

yay or nay?

beauty AND the beast ? :)

you need to say sorry to me before i will ever forgive you.

i requested info from a buncha schools..and i'm heavily considering kutztown..i felt so above it when i was applying and when i got my acceptance letter in the spring i hardly even opened the envelope and threw it out right away..i didn't really even look into the school or what it had and quickly tossed it aside..after seeing it with my own eyes and reading up on it i am going to reapply for medical technology and if i get in it could very well be the school i pull up to in the fall..no i am not going JUST because leigh is there..of course thats a huge reason...but just the school itself ..i felt like i belonged there when i visited and i loved how small it was nd how you could actually get to know all those people..at syracuse ...theres THOUSANDS and thousands of people walking around constantly..i feel so lost in the crowd and it just doesn't feel right here..i'll be close but not too close to my family..i'll be able to go up to see theresa easily..i won't be paying huge debts..and all of the other pluses that come with going there..(esp. my baby :) ) lol i'll have my car by then..i won't feel stuck..and i just think it's the right choice for once..i don't even know why i picked syracuse..i hardly read up on the program i'm in..didn't know too much about it..it had the highest tuition and least money given..yet i chose it and i still don't know why..i think i felt like i had to prove myself to people and my family..like i can go far away..i can go be independent and it be completely fine..that i was Alicia Aiello and could NT possibly go to a state school..and since it was the only "well known good school" was accepted to i pounced on it ..solely for it's name..i made such a mistake..but now with a clear head..i'm going to make the right decisions about my future.and i really feel like it's the place for me..so cross your fingers that i get in (again)

do you ever watch somethin on youtube or anywhere and are like i really wanna be friends with this person?

i have 99% made up my mind about transferring out of film..i'm so sick of the avante garde shit being pounded down my throat..and i feel like i'm just moving backwards..why am i spending 30000$ to RELEARN how to use final cut pro?! and to see my "oh so artsy" teachers movies where they are almost always naked and call it art?! i'm sick of the film program here..i'm actually sick of film..it's no more than a hobby now and no longer a passion i truly want to do for the rest of my life..i don't seemoney in it for my future so now i have decided to think more realistically/reasonably for myself that its not what i want to do or go to college for any longer..before i even came here or put money down here i was having doubts about my future in film..and nursing or something medical was always always always on my mind and i've decided to go into nursing now( orry for killing our dreams theresa! we can still take over ny together! lol :) )..so today i am going to my academic counselor and step 1: applying to be undecided next semester (since they dropped the nursing program here last year so i'm stuck here basically until my loans over at the end of the year) and step 2: looking into schools to transfer to..not as expensive..or that can be fully covered by financial aid..i'm in over my head with these 50000$ a year schools and these huge amount of money loans..so for my sake i'm going somewhere cheaper..i've grown used to SU ...i'm making friends and everything and the scenery is gorgeous..but now for once in my life i have to stop piggybacking off other people and their dreams and move onto my own

pros
doing a major i want/will make money doing
closer to home
closer to leigh
accessible to my friends
less money/no debt
no longer feeling stuck
MEDICAL INSURANCE

cons
reapplying to schools
money completely wasted for this year
missing the friends i've made/am making/will make by the summer
leaving the rose garden and waterfall i love :(

i'm rethinking this college thing..well right now..film is not what i want to do for the rest of my life anymore so i feel like until i figure it out or switch i'm wasting time and money..i feel like i shouldnt have forced my way into college when i was having so much trouble getting here ..i shouldv'e listened and dealt with my health stuff first..i don't feel like i should be here now and i feel so stuck

Nick and Norahs Infinite Playlist

So i joined this thing called FilmMetro and you get free ticket to screen movies before the come out..so i got to see Nick and Norah for free AND before anyone else :) it was soooo cute i loved it..oh and did you know Kat Dennings is from Philly?

the rest of my photography pictures..

losing you is living in a world with no air

i don't WANT to be with anyone else and i can't picture myself with anyone else and i feel like it is an obsessive relationship..i honestly feel like i'd fall to the floor and die if we really broke up i really do..i can't fuckin take it

photography class

is by far my favorite even though its a lot harder than what i thought..heres a couple prints i did so far :)..even though the teacher said the pictures were good but the prints were bad i'm happy with em

I'm a baby? I am? yeah I am but so are you...you cry just as much as I do about everything! do you know how many times i've wanted to call you a baby? but i hold my tongue so well because half of what i want to spit out in the moment is hurtful and not true yet you let it fly and make me feel like more and more shit..it makes me sick to my stomach...you treated me like COMPLETE shit last night ..i cant believe you talked to me like that when i was so fucking vulnerable crying my heart out just wanting you to stop shutup and hold me..yeah make your girlfriend resent you because you ripped her to shreds and didnt even say sorry..i feel horrible about myself because of you now when your supposed to make me feel the best just because i wanted you all to myself for one little weekend..i probably wont be back for awhile ..my time there wasn't to make friends even though i'd like to get to know your friends it was to spend every little piece of time i could with my baby before another month goes by and i only see you for one little weekend..i've also told you a hundred times before how antisocial and how bad of social anxiety i have and yeah i eventually have to grow up and branch out but i know that already so dont spit in my face because of it. And i know sometimes i "can't be wrong" and i know i am wrong sometimes but suddenly your never ever wrong anymore. I feel like you spit on me and ripped my heart out again and as if your holding something high over my head like "if you act like this again im serious its over" dont do that to me or put me in that position where i feel like i cant make a move or itll be over..you're probably reading this getting more and more pissed but i have feelings too and i needed to get this out..and i dont always act like the victim..and baby i know you dont love me as much as at first anymore and i know it but dont push me around ever again like you did last night ever!..i wanted so bad to say this all yesterday but it just wasnt ending and i didnt want the whole night horrible..and i also cant verbalize anything so here it is out in the open ...you can argue or belittle me more or whatever you wanna do but im over acting like its okay and being the person that has to hurry and fix person that has to hurry and fix it or youll just keep tearing me up..i've never felt so humiliated and lifeless as i do now..and ive never cried so hard in my entire life as i did last night..i felt fucking pathetic but you reached down so far and tore me open...i just want so bad to be held and loved and yeah here comes the "victim" part..i don't have a functional family..i'm not called everyday..i dont have a house or bed room to go home to and this has been my whole entire life..yeah im still affected by this ...yeah i have issues and i probably need therapy but you do too..im allowed to cry if i want to and be depressed if i want to..and instead of you yelling in my face as im crying i want you to hold me and support me if im sad...this isnt to sound nasty or come at you or anything its just been pent up for so much and i want you to know how im feeling..i love you with every single little piece of me baby i really really really truly do

im not even sure anymore if i ended it if you would try to win me back :/ i dont think you would at all

blah

i miss capa.
i just miss everyone.

?

why don't any of you update anymore?

omg

a freshman on the 4th floor of my hall..committed suicide last night :/

i woke up to a swarm of cops and stuff this morning and just found out now what happened

i knew him too :(

haha

i think its funny that in college now everyone complains about 8 am classes..didnt we just do this for 4 years in highschool everyone?

yup

well since you think i post differently here for some reason trying to hide something imma put the same things in my xanga?

i feel like..scared to say anything to you now..like if i do one thing wrong you're going to break up with me..i don't like feeling like that..like a cowering dog..i don't like feeling like i can't even talk to my girlfriend without her freaking out..or misinterpreting it..i dunno..i just feel so weird now..and don't read this and freak out like you will..i need you..and i want it to be normal

:/

i feel like i'm slowly but steadily losing her


:/ :( :'(

lololololol

losers

shit

everyone up here is too conservative or lame man..like i can't be myself at all (talkin about shit, burping, farting, etc) or they get so weird..and i can't lose the .05 friends i made or i'll be so lonely up here so whatever..can't wait til i make friends with a little bit of personality

my relationships on the rocks?

and i feel myself getting fat..my legs are starting to rub together when i walk which wsa like never..and its so ewwy..it's like i can't get around not gaining weight..the food around here is so sloppy and greasy and fattening..and it's either i starve or gain weight..blah..

i'm mad depressed again

blah

conversations aren't very stimulating here at all

i miss talkin to margaret and theresa and molly!!!

yeahhh

so syracuse..is pretty lame..like..theres..the carousel mall..frats(no son)..and..uhh nothing? lol theres nothing here!..just chillin is all i been doing..i guess once more of a homework load and filming/photography happens i won't be as bored

i'm reallllllllly excited for my photography class...i had to put out 600$ in photography shit though which was not cool..but im excited about everything being manual and like actual processing and darkrooms and stuff i cant waiitttt..mad its only once a week though :/..but umm yeah pretty much my studio classes..the 4 hour long ones which are film and photography are the only ones im looking forward too..

this was the most beat weekend ever

i miss my baby alot too and my friends

:(

COOLlege ya'll

sike i'm lame.

anyway it's been pretty chill. like it's only been 4 1/2 days ish..but already i've completely unpacked and settled..made a group of new friends ( not like out with the old in with the new or anything.. just new) and they're cool :)..the first day i got here and frustratedly unpacked for 4 hours before i met my roommate when she got back around 10..slept..woke up to construction..she left for band and i balled for a few hours..then my dad got me and i went to his hotel to sleep since i was woken up early as shit..since then though thank god the construction stopped..and then i went back to my dorm for a few meetings..and sleptover the hotel with my dad..chilled in his heart shaped hottub!?? woke up and bought stuff i realized i needed and he dropped me off..i cried some more..sucked it up and then started orientation stuff..it was all lame..orange blast..LAME..feel the pulse of syracuse where they show us downtown..LAMEEEEE..so i basically have just been chillin ..getttin to know the 5 new friends i made..and decorating my dorm..tomorrow classes start..but i don't have my first class until 6 so going swimming or to the mall tomorrow with the roommate since she doesn't have classes monday or friday..LUCKYYYYY..college is nice :)

i'm here

i've been busy with orientation things.

i really think i'm gonna like it here! :)

bigger update later

on my way

i'm sitting in my car on the way to college. it's bittersweet.

my gmom balled her eyes out. it ws the only time i really collapsed.
my mom showed up late and high.

life.

and..

i leave tomorrow.

oh goddddddddddd.

Countdown: 4 days!

Where the hell did the past days go?!?!?!

Countdown:10 days

I really don't know what i'm going to do without everyone. Me and Theresa wanted to go to college together forevs and we aren't and Idk if this is going to be such an easy transition as I believed in the beginning of the summer. It's just not.

can't believe how fast it went

4 years of highschool ..bam..just a memory...3 months of summer over in a week..nothing really memorable about it..about to begin 4+ year of college..i hope i can hold onto college a little longer than highschool because i'm sort of scared to begin life..but i refuse to be one of those 45 year olds still coming back and back and back just because they are scared to let go

i'm scared to be going to this college i've only seen in pictures and heard of from mike burns..i'm scared i won't like it or i'll be too overwhelmed by the size ..i'm scared i won't make friends ..i'm scared i won't do well

oh well here i come syracuse
"hope you're ready for me"

lol

likelikelike.

this post is going to sound really cocky but it's in all seriousness with the exception of some

i like can't have friends without them liking me..boys and girls..it's reallllly irritating..because i'll genuinely like someone as a friend then they confess their crush and it ruins it all..only to name a few...gwen..marie...bob..etc..

also..i am disgusted...

everyday i ride the el only to witness druggies,druggies and more druggies..i DESPISE..all forms of drugs..i feel sick in my stomach watching people high i just want to smack em all..it irks me beyond belief..this entry was pointless but those were two things on my mind

gahhh collegee!

i found out my housing and roommate yesterday! i'm in an open double with a bathroom..at least thats some privacy lol..her names kristyn and i wont pre judge her fom her pictures..she hasn't answered my message yet ..but like..its less than a month now that ill be up at syracuse...i was talkin to mike burns last night and he explained alot of the stuff and it def made me more excited!..i just wanna goooo nowww..i gotta start shopping asap..and with my new bank account and stuff that'll be alot easier..i can get alot of stuff online if i need to and i just like it alot better..but yeah college! i'm so ready for new scenery..and since this has been the lamest summer..i haven't done a single of the 4 things i really wanted to yet, i'm even more itchy to leave..all i wanted to do was go tubing, down the shore longer than a weekend, amusement park, and horseback riding..blahhh yeah time for work

jobby

i've been at my job a week ish now and i get my first paycheck tomorrow..i really like this job becuase,,its sitting in the ac ..practically doing nothing..and the night shift is so fun!..we just sit in the outside room like talkin and stuff ahh i love it

jobjobjob

penn environment

-8-9 hours of walking walking walking in the heat, thirsty, dying, doors slammed in face, angry
-7% commission
-7$ an hour otherwise
-NO breaks, unless you give em to yourself
-BORING
-annoying people

quit the first day.

walnut street theatre

-3 hours or 6 if you take a double shift
-sitting, talking on a phone..no face to face contact or having to walk foreverrr
-air conditioned
-20% commission! which is ALOT considering the tickets are 80$ at the least soif you make a sale you's gettin paidddd
-10$ an hour for the first 2 weeks then bumps to 7..which is okay considering the commission percent
-20 minute break
etcetcetc

i start today.

i got a loannnn! yesss for being officially college bound! now i can relax for the rest of the summer..time for funnn


ps theresa you need to get on your shit or you going to screw yourself over!!! call them or something..k

oh, canvassing!

1:15-repeated the gayest script like a billion times
-left/ate lunch
4:30-got dropped off in the burbs/ started
-starved
-sweat
-was parched
-walked walked walked
-SO TIRED
9-headed back
9:47-"debriefed by director"(aka talked about our day)
9:48-quit
9:52-kicked out

LOL
fuck jobs!

YAYYYY

HEYYYYYYY todays my grad/bday party

ohhh and i got my lappppyyyyy/ipod/printer/external harddrive/etc

:D

DONE

its over.

:(

it's almost over :/

After reading angela's entry..i realized that i am in total agreeance that things are happening to crazy quickly i'm scared i won't be able to say goodbye to everyone..it's hard enough getting yearbook signatures from everyone i care to get them from..i actualy hardly see my friends these days..well whatev..schools this week..eh can't even call it school..it was grad practice..get graduation/prom things..eary dismissal..too too hot..and rushrushrush for prom..and it's not going to stop being rushrushrush until next wednesday!!!!! i just wanna relaxxx

tomorrow=prom
friday=job interview/sabrinas show
saturday-get graduation shit and party shit together
sunday-theresas party
monday-senior awards ceremony/luncheon
tuesday-blahblahblah graduation stuff
wednesday-graduationnnnnn

:D!!!!!

its mahhh birfffdayyyy

!!! 18 today


:D

toga i mean drama party

last night was one of the worst nights of my life..seriously..i hurt all over inside and out..i'm embarrassed..and scared..and upset and i want it to go away so bad

i am so so so sorry to everyone that was there..but thankful to those that helped me

:/

hehehehehe prommmm dresss

i found a prom dressss..today me and my mom were going to davids bridal to go get the blue dress i wanted sosososo bad..when i tried it on i was like ehh..and i could hardly walk..so out of the corner of my eye i saw this beautifullll ________,__________,_________, dress and fell in love...it was my size too! lol tried it on and seriously like..idk i'm so happy with it and can't wait to wear it at prom..not giving details..you'll see it june 12th

heheheheheheheee

happpyyyy

i'm sososo happy everything dealing with money has been so stress free because my dads back in the union so he's paid for everything i needed paid AND some..when i thought i'd be scrambling around begging for money for it all..so i "don't have to worry about anything" which is something i haven't heard in YEARSSS..i've always been stressed financially and now i can just relax..graduate..and go to college without a load of family debt on my back :)..also he told me i have a 200$ to 400$ limit for prom stuff..thats fineeeeeeeeeeeeeeee with me when i thought i'd only be getting like a hundred!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D:D

alicias not po no mo! lolzz jk ..but really


sorry i haven't updated in a million billion..i forgot this existed ..:)

BLAHHH

Wellllllll today was my senior exit presentation. Besides stuttering and turning red, I did it. THANK GOD

Heyyy

I'm a newbie :)

at this internship right now.

kill me?