okay so...alyssa told me she's "into me" now..and i'm assuming it's only because kim won't give her the time of day because she's nottttt gay..idk if i should be excited now or just not care lol..shes so sweet though..but has been talkin like shes lookin for a girlfriend..and i am so not ready to get back into anything like that yet..granted i'm over leigh..just i don't eve nwanna be taken right now.i'm enjoying being single..although valentines day is coming up and idk whats gonna happen with that..also i feel realllllly..really bad..so marie yeah..was hookin up with her before i came back to school..was diggin her like yeah but i'm over it and she totally wants me to be her girlfriend when i come back in the summer..ad still texts me all day with cute little things..ad the other night she's like "you go to gay bars and don't hookup with people" i as like " i don't go there intending to but shit happens" and she got upset..i am not in a commitment mindset..and i don't want to hurt anybody..because i know what its like and it sucks

..theres two lesbians sleepin in my bed lol so i'm awake ..tired..but awake..and thinking..

salty-
A word originating in Philadelphia generally meaning that you just got played, or are looking stupid, either because of something you did, or something that was done to you

Jawn-
a word used by people in philly, it can mean anything, like a fine girl, a blunt, really, it can be used for everything. it basically means "thing".


i try explaining these words to EVERYONE. I didn't realize that they are like only philly words?

okay the lesbians do like me :)

ugh this girl alyssa.who i think is such a sweetheart..likes this pretty much straight but hooks up with girls for attention type of chick named kim..kim was ALL UP ONS..i only wanted to dance with alyssa..so i like danced with em both..but kim kept pushing alyssa way off and stealing me to hookup with when allll i wanted to do was dance with alyssa..long story short..got to hookup with alyssa :) on top of other..drunken..blahblahblah..my gay bf jake? awks!

xbars like...my favorite placeeeee ever!!!! and idk why i'm up i went to bed at like 5

girls are so complicated. never thought i'd say that about my own gender.

why don't the lesbians like me?

i know i don't post very long updates..but like when i have something in my head ..i'lli sit down it disappears..so short and simples how it's been..but..anyway..a few things..the surgery i had over winter break has failed..and now over spring break/ in the beginning of the summer i have to have my vagina mutilated again..no ones gonna wanna fuck me now..so hawt!..but yeah.. i'm a little upset cause like..it was working for the past 2 months..until now..like wtf?..i'm SO so tired of having surgery..it's like handing my body over to the devil..i fucking hate surgeons..i feel like he does it wrong purposely over and over so it fails in a few months and he has to do it again so he can make more money on another surgery. It's been 4 1/2 years and I feel like i'm back at stage one. Seriously when will it end? In a year? 2 years ?When i'm like old and bitter? I have been put to sleep over a hundred times and i'm sure my bodies sick of it. I also don't want to have surgery at Hahnemann again. Coldest, most lonely and most miserable place i've ever been. Why the fuck did I ever wanna become a doctor? Oh yeah, to NOT fuck up my patients. I'm not bitching, though. I am just completely over this. Hospitals and blood and scopes i.v's and scalpels have become my life. I seriously wonder what i'd be like if it never happened. I think of it as something that had to happen for a reason but I wanna live my life now. Does that make sense?

anyway..so Syracuse is like negative 14 alllll the time..and it snows like a foot every single night. I've experienced enough snow to last me the rest of my life. I'm moving to Hawaii when I get older. I like it here, alot. Sucks IDK what I wanna do with my life or if SU even has the major I want. But for now i'm content. I'm happier this semester and making up for lost time. :) My classes are okay..the weeks go fast. I have a video sketchbook class on mondays..where we make a different type of movie every week..like mockumentary..short..silent..etc..tuesdays are english with a boring old dinosaur named Susan..SO boring..and then Colloquim 2..which i don't even know if thats a real word? and this class is sitting there talking about..blahblahblah art..and she expects us to be all perceptive and say deep things just because were artists and nothing else is supposed to be going on in our heads..hate this class..wanna see my teachers ass jiggle? www.dukeandbattersby.com...the video is called "being fucked up". My teachers fucking weird. anyway wednesday I have studio concepts with robyn..who i loveeeeee..and we make 4 diferent types of movies in this class, also. Thursday I had color photo but I dropped it cause it was gonna cost like 600$ and I have Film sound and image..where we work with the Bolex camera and film..making 4 in this class also but i'm really not feeling it..it'll be cool to learn I guess. an that's it.

I wish I had a best friend here. I feel like the "friends" I have are merely acquaintances and it gets lonely sometimes. Me and my roommate are close but shes clearly homophobic and doesn't let me touch her or go near here. She jokes but I see through it.

If I put myself on eharmony.com this is the description i'd give for someone i'm looking for:

"I want a girl who says cheesy things..brings me flowers..calls me stupidcorny nicknames that I secretly adore..bakes with me..likes to cuddle..watch the stars..sit by the river..plans cute little dates..makes up new kisses with me....someone who does things for me..cute things without me ever mentioning it before..surprises me..actually talks about their feelings..and expresses them to me..NOT via text..kisses me on the eyelids..and forehead..and is my height."

Weird? Although if a guy was like that i'd like it as well. But guys like that are generally gay.I am the worlds biggest cheeseball. But that's all I really want, really. I've been hooking up with..shall I say her name? M_ _I_..yeah sort of..and she tells me how much she likes me..but shes so not the girl for me..unless i'm just setting my standards too high? but like I like her too but know I could never be in any ort of relationship with her..like she wants..shes not mushy enough.she's this tough..well thinks she's tough ghetto south philly chick(not coming at south philly in any means)..i need to stray away from south philly for love interests though..it's the only place they've been. Brian, Leigh, Her.

I wish my parents would accept that I will be dating girls. I may marry a girl and have kids with a girl. But they won't and it saddens me that my dad said "If you marry a girl.. i won't be the one walking you down the aisle". Its 2009. We have a black president yet homophobia is still fucking around. I've met parents who are awesome about it so why do I get the toolbags? My moms a blatant douche bag about it and constantly has me in tears. She's and emotionless, pill popping, douchebag. And my dads just a douchebag. My aunts don't eem to care and my Aunt Leslie on christmas asked "Wheres Leigh?" I said we broke up..and she said "Aww"..AWW!...my Aunt said aww..but then she also said "So you haven't ruled out men completey right?" No. My hearts open to anyone. Girls rank higher on my scale of interest though.

Another thing going on right now..is I have a little creeper on my hands. Her name is Savanna. and before break she messaged me like blahblahblah you seem cool lets hangout. She's gay. and totally on my dick now. Why oh WHY did I give her my number? I knew she wasn't my tpe as soon as I accepted her friend request but was like whatev i could use some friends. Shes like 4"10' and stalks the shit out of my life. When I comment someone or their pictures or something on Facebook she goes reads it and talks to me about it later. EVERY TIME..she friended all my friends here. every. single. one. we met like the first wednesday i was back. And as soon as she left she said " i'm totally falling for you." and i'm like..we just met..i don't feel the same..AT all..and now whenever I see her she's checking me out..and her face is like eye level with my ass..and shes a creeper..and idk what to do.

So this is a big update.I had alot on my mind as I typed I guess..I feel like I have more to say? Oh well.

i fell in head over motherfucking heels love.

my love for hayley williams is tremendous. i don't crush on celebrities. ahhh!

anyway this thing will consume every waking hour of my life for the next 2 1/2 months

girllllllll i have such a crush on you. but you are so far! and it will never happen. why can't i get the idea out of my head already?

do you guys ever go to someones blog you know..but not too well..and creep on it for like an hour..delving into their life? i do.

i hate when people think i'm copying them.


um, no. don't flatter yourself.

oh, college. :)

yesterday consisted of...





got my nosey pierced :) i like the new addition i think it looks swell

andddd it also consisted of...





"back to school" at marathon! first party since being back..and if its at all indicative of how the rest of the semester is going to go..i'm vedy vedy exciteee

ugh.

i am going to be spending like everything ive been saving for a car this semester...fucking film class they eglect to inform you of all the expenses..i need like actual film this time..and that shits expensive..i have to pull 3 films a week out of my ass on top of other classes..i'm stressed.

first day of class for me minus having to skip yesterdays lol but ummm 12:30 i had english..and it was legit all juniors and seniors..i felt super awkward..stupid major making it so i have to take it this semester instead of later on like everyone else..but it was some old lady name "susan not sue" who was very dry but whatever and the topics kinda lame ..public education..last semesters interested me cause it was health and wellness but ya never know the topic til youre already enrolled..after that i had colloquim 2..my teacher won't be back for 2 weeks because she's speaking in canada? idk but it's like the same thing as last semester..notecards and vocab and blahblahblah..tomorrow i have 2 4 hour classes back to back..idk if i can do it i might have to drop color photography.both for money and just because i can't do 9 am- 5:30 straight through..we'll see how it is tomorrow though..after color photo i have film studio with the same teacher as last semester so it'll be just like last semester once again..and thats about it..then thursday i have english and then sound and image class but yeah..boring? i know.

i'm back at school.

missed my class today. it's fine though.

got pulled over for speeding on the way.

i'm finally unpacked, somehow i brought as much as i did when i first moved in.

AHHHHHHHHHH.

i'll update the rest of my break later..ack i start school again in 3 days! and i don't even know how i'm getting the hell back up there :/

In 2008 have you..

Got drunk? yes.
Got high? no
Done drugs? no
Had a girlfriend? uh huh
Passed out in public? yeah
Gotten into a fight? yup
Went to the hospital? yeah
Broken any bones? na
Played hard to get? lil bit probably..didn't work on my end lol
Asked someone out? tried..failed
Discovered a new band? a bunch yes
Been somewhere you've never been? mhm
Kissed someone? a few.
Hosted a party? yeps
Been to a party?of course
Met someone new? lotsss
Had any life altering experiences? indeed
Been envious of a friend? probably
Thought of killing someone? lol!
Gotten ridiculed? fo sho
Hid a secret from someone? mhm
Kept a secret? lil white lies
Told someone another person's secret?yeah...oops :X
Broken up with someone? eh... "you picked the pact over me!" fuckin retard
Got dumped? eh... "you picked the pact over me!" fuckin retard.
Drove a car?mhm
Almost lost your life? um...yeah
Tried to commit suicide? na
Witnessed a crime? maybe
Been in court? no
Met someone famous? mhm
Became embarassed to the point where you cried? yes
What was your biggest regret from 2008? her.
If you could take away one time from 2008? hmmm...toga party
If you could have excluded one person from 2008? leigh
What was your biggest mistake of 2008? leigh! and letting her go above my entire life..and fucking over my friends for her
What are your greatest memories? so so so so many...nyc even though it was the very end of 08..the summer..etc
In 2009 are you going to/planning on..

Falling in love? eh. i don't want love for awhile..but if it happens..lovely
Repairing an old relationship/friendship? friendships..yes
Meeting new people? yes
Doing something you've never done before?hopefully
Getting drunk? dur
Getting high? na
Having sex? maybe
Asking out someone? maybe
Commiting to a relationship? relationships smationships
Going to church? no lol
Having a party? yeah
Confessing to someone how you really feel about them? maybe
Cusing someone out? lol always
Being asked out? already have been haha
Becoming famous? def!..not
Making a first move? yeah
Changing who you are? i'm working on it..i'm starting with a wardrobe update..im still in hs with my clothes
Opening up to people more easily? def
Hanging out with a different crowd? poss..plus my own

In 2009...
who/what's going to be..
Your first kiss? lol
first hug? i think theresa was
Your first friend? idk
Your first make out? lol
Your first movie watched? umm idk
Your first scent breathed? wine
Your first complaint? ummmm
Your first clothes? idk
What would you want to accomplish? gain some weight..heal and have this bag removed..make alot more friends..decide a major/ schoo lfor next year..get a car..keep my grades up
Who do you want to spend that year with? my group
What do you want to get from this new year? idk

well...new yearssss...this week me theresa margaret molly and kathleen went to nyc and it was funlalaa..the first couple days we just chilled and walked around..then new years eve we went out to dinner and then got crunkalunk and went to this club.. ;).:) teehee crazy fun..the next day we chilled drank again and took a buncha pictures..yayy..ew i go back to school in a week..i heard its 3 feet of snow..i don't want it!..but i do want my stuff..my other friends..my room..space..internet..but
mostly my freedom and stuff back..and yeah..this weeks busybusy trying to hangout with everyone before i go back for 4 months straight with a lil break between