1 day! :)

so i went to the doctor today..and its not as bad as i jumped to..i tend to over think and freak myself out whatev..he said part of the stitches opened up and made a little hole..so he took them all out and now its one open part that will supposedly heal..he said the part inside that matters is healing right..and if the inside heals from the inside out and not in little bridges it'll all work out ..the fistula will be gone and ill get the bag off in 6 weeks..so now i have to chill out and let it heal

my babyyyy comes in 3 days :)..even though i cant do all the things i originally planned now i'm still very very excited

oh but you know what brightens up my spirits and gives me a giggle? reading my old xanga from the first day i made it..its funny how ridiculous some of the shit i used to say was..i ended every post in "p3ac3 y0..if you lucky teehee"..um?

i'm not doing so good..the wound is now infected and opened up wider..i feel like there is drainage coming through to my vag again..meaning the surgery failed..this was my last fucking option before i have this stupid bag for the rest of my life..if it doesn't work..i can't do this anymore

i don't want to do this ever again. no more relationships. i'm just gonna go become a slut.

i just want this shit to heal so i can go out and don't have to wait for the nurse everyday before i can go anywhere..fucking ugh

So it's been a week of boring depressing nothingness.but my life finally picks up tomorrow and i'm busy ish for the next 3 weeks..thank god..i know i need to heal but being in this stupid apartment makes me want to vomit..so i think the surgery worked or whatever? i don't really know..all i know is apparently my vaginas gonna be pretty fucked up for awhile..no sex for meeee :(

10 dayssssss :)

my dad told me yesterday that the most pathetic thing is two old gay men..ha no dad the most pathetic thing is a 52 year old smoking crack on a paint bucket in his living room..no this post wont be about gay men...last night around 1130 i went to the kitchen to get a drink..only to notice that my dad wasn't asleep like he usually is.and our kitchen is built so theres a wall you have to peer around to see the rest of the living room..so i'm half asleep but i peer around and sure enough he was doing something over there..so he see's me..runs and hides it and goes and sits on the couch..i walk over to the entertainment center and look around asking "wat the fuck were you just doing?" while his eyes are as a big as the fucking sky and he's like "nothin nothin nothin",,no dad i'm not 19 and know what drugs are yet..so i can't find whatever device he was smoking out of but sure enough behind my fish bowl is a spoon with white residue on top and a burnt ass bottom..so i turned around called him a pathetic hippocrit..ran to my room..and called my mom..i was shaking crying hysterically..i just want to be on my own..i am soooo not coming back next summer..i'll take summer classes at my school..can't believe this shit..then i leave and sleep at my moms..fucking irritated because brads there shittalkin..and my dad texts me in the morning "if your gonna cause me problems because of this you will have to leave"..last time i checked you were the one doing crack..or coke..or whatever in our living room

so i'm stlll recorvering..who knew your butt could hurt for this long..idk how you gay guys do it with yer butt sex and all..harhar..anyway yeah i really want to not have to lay around all day..boringboring i wanna go out and be summery..in two weeks..kimberly comes :)...it'll have been a month then since i last saw her..oh my babydoll..anyway..this is pointless..so..bye

nerve damage in my vagina? can't feel one whole side including my clit? cool. thanks dr stein.

so surgery monday..woke up..alot of pain..next day everything was pulled out..wednesday i went home..i didn't realize how fast adult hospitals try to get you the hell out of there..i can finally sit up thouh..and my pains only like a 3..so yeah..and my kimberly comes in 2 weeks :)..i have a home care nurse come and like pack my ass every morning..hopefully this is done before she comes..awkwarddd..lol..im excited..oh and the rest of my grades are uppp

so..two months was two days ago :)..kinda 3 months really..but actually 2..idk its whatev..i wish i could see her thoughhhh :/ oh wells few weeks..more than a few..blah..tomorrow i am having surgery..again..i want to go back and re read all the posts in this and my xanaga where i say i'm going to have surgery..because..i feel like a broken record..the more years this stuff goes on for..the less and less i look forward to be ing in the hospital..i used to enjoy it..but i hate hahnemann..it's fucking all old people and cold nurses who leave me alone for hourssssss..i mean yeah thatsa good thing but it's just very lonely there and i miss the childrens hospital..i wish my surgeon was there or i would never have had to leave :(..wish me luckkk

grades so far..some veryyyy unexpected

A in studio
B+ in vid sketchbook
B in SOON MI?!?!?!?...after she ripped us up and gave us horrible grades for the entire semester and i was soooo banking on a C- at LEAST..and we both get B's? I def shouldn't be complaining..thank fucking god..for colloquim i'm assuming an A and for writing and A or B+ so i''l be on the Deans List again :) and will hopefully get into newhouse

sooo..to sum up the past 3 days..traveled for 18 hours straight to get back to school for a film review where the department heads of our department critiqued our final films..that was so painful to go through..we were ripped uppp and then sort of given a break and then thrown under the bus by our teacher who wasnt even supposed to speak..asshole..but yeah left around 2 ..drove back to boston..had dinner with jakes family..they are sooo nice and the accents hahaha..then we went to the ice cream place he works came back and chillaxed..got up at 7 back on the bus..and now im on the nyc bus and ill be home in 2 hours.. i cant wait to just relax

so one of these is going to be mineeeee :)..going to see them this weekend..i'm thinkin the silver one

anddd i'm home..today was so shfghdfhfd...woke up at 8 to spend the last 2 hours with her/ help her get her stuff to go to the airport..we went to the airport and both cried cried cried..that was probably the hardest goodbye i've ever had to say :(..i had to rush back to my gparents..apck up the car..which was a funny joke..it was packed to the max..long boring ride..got home unpacked..did my massive load of laundry..and now i'm fucking bored..i need mine..in my arms right now..and to like be back at school..or a job..this is going to be a very boring summer...i can feel it already..i have 9 days until my surgery..and healing time..so that kills may..then still boredom til theresa gets her butt back here!..and umm yeah..i had alot more to say earlier

so i leave tomorrow at 1230..god i am so idk about it..i'm not ready to go and i feel like its going t obe hard to be able to come back..i'd absolutely die though if that happened..so i'm going to sum up freshman year

came and was miserable missing my ex
became slightly adjusted..still miserable
broke up..even more miserable..missing my friends
got over it and realized how much better college was not being so caught up with someone else
started partying..realized how much more fun college was
partying became overrated
break
partying..gay bar..funfun
met a girl
fell in love
will be missing her terribly for 4 months